I work in the educational system and as you would expect, I’m not only frequently in the the presence of children, I have a fortunate position where I can actually help make a difference in childrens’ lives.
I believe we as human beings can get so caught up in our personal lives, trying to make a good life for our families, that we sometimes overlook the importance of bonding with our children and spending quality time with them as well. I’ve certainly fallen into this trap every now and then.
Yesterday afternoon, reality struck me in the chest like a ton of bricks! I was talking to a 15 year old female who has been in and out of jail numerous times, some for very serious offenses.
It struck me as odd how a cute, well-groomed, personable child like her with a golden smile could be at such a disadvantage in life. Well, I asked, and I got the answer.
I asked cautiously, “Do you live with your birth-parents?” She replied in a sweet tone, “No sir.” “Who do you live with?” She shyly said, “My foster parents.”
I was apprehensive about asking this next question so I thought about it for all of two seconds before a voice in my head said “here goes.” “Do your foster parents ever give you a hug.” She replied in what appeared to be a very sincere manner, “No, why?”
Her answer stunned me, even though I anticipated correctly what her answer would be. Surely, at least at one time, she had to have received love and affection from whomever her legal custodians were at some point in her life, right?”
Most likely, what she meant to say was that she was not receiving any type of affection in her household and she couldn’t remember when and if she did. I thought about my childhood immediately, and I vividly remembered being hugged and loved throughout my life!
I felt immediate rage, and in my head I was cursing every single parent who was neglecting their own flesh and blood in such a manner, and just before I ended mng with her I told her this to ease my own pain, “Don’t go through life making excuses for getting in trouble. Start taking care of you-nobody’s going to do it for you, but you! If I were your parent, I would unconditionally be giving you 10 hugs a day. I don’t even know you, but you’re important to me, and tonight while I’m enjoying time with my happy family, I’m going to be thinking about how I wish you were happy just like us.”
When I left her side my eyes were watering, I had a knot in my throat, and I was fighting back the tears on an elevator ride on my way to the parking lot.
I guess I was choked up because I had gotten to the point where I had heard the same old story again and again and I had to face reality; not every child has the same chance at succeeding in life, and many face insurmountable obstacles!
It turns out this child was adopted at the age of 2 as a toddler because her mother and father were in prison for serious offenses including drugs and robberies. The worst part is she carries that knowledge with her and reveals this information matter-of-factly, as if she feels a need to get it out in the open as a means of expressing her anger.
Now, there are many foster parents who do a wonderful job raising children out of the kindness of their souls, and indeed many bond with their kids as if they were originally their own blood!
But folks, I’ve seen this lack of parenting affection time and time again, usually from birth-parents. Of course kids have to adhere to a certain type of structure molded by us as parents, but they need nurturing and affection, too.
Show me a child who’s in serious trouble at school or with the law, and I’ll bet it’s a child who hasn’t had a chance to lovingly bond with a parent or parents. I firmly believe bonding with children breeds respect and love from those children.
I hug my children several times on a daily basis, and say as many ”I love you’s” as I can before I start sounding tiresome!
Today, I want to spread this simple message; parents, don’t underestimate the power of a hug. Your children need one that only you can give, on a daily basis.