I believe we as human beings can get so caught up in our personal lives, trying to make a good life for our families, that we sometimes overlook the importance of bonding with our children and spending quality time with them as well.  I’ve certainly fallen into this trap every now and then.

Yesterday afternoon, reality struck me in the chest like a ton of bricks!  I was talking to a 15 year old female who has been in and out of jail numerous times, some for very serious offenses.

It struck me as odd how a cute, well-groomed, personable child like her with a golden smile could be at such a disadvantage in life.  Well, I asked, and I got the answer. 

I asked cautiously, “Do you live with your birth-parents?”  She replied in a sweet tone, “No sir.”  “Who do you live with?” She shyly said, “My foster parents.”

I was apprehensive about asking this next question so I thought about it for all of two seconds before a voice in my head said “here goes.”  “Do your foster parents ever give you a hug.”  She replied in what appeared to be a very sincere manner, “No, why?”

Her answer stunned me, even though I anticipated correctly what her answer would be.  Surely, at least at one time, she had to have received love and affection from whomever her legal custodians were at some point in her life, right?”

Most likely, what she meant to say was that she was not receiving any type of affection in her household and she couldn’t remember when and if she did.  I thought about my childhood immediately, and I vividly remembered being hugged and loved throughout my life! 

I felt immediate rage, and in my head I was cursing every single parent who was neglecting their own flesh and blood in such a manner, and just before I ended mng with her I told her this to ease my own pain, “Don’t go through life making excuses for getting in trouble.  Start taking care of you-nobody’s going to do it for you, but you! If I were your parent, I would unconditionally be giving you 10 hugs a day.  I don’t even know you, but you’re important to me, and tonight while I’m enjoying time with my happy family, I’m going to be thinking about how I wish you were happy just like us.”

When I left her side my eyes were watering, I had a knot in my throat, and I was fighting back the tears on an elevator ride on my way to the parking lot. 

I guess I was choked up because I had gotten to the point where I had heard the same old story again and again and I had to face reality; not every child has the same chance at succeeding in life, and many face insurmountable obstacles!

It turns out this child was adopted at the age of 2 as a toddler because her mother and father were in prison for serious offenses including drugs and robberies.  The worst part is she carries that knowledge with her and reveals this information matter-of-factly, as if she feels a need to get it out in the open as a means of expressing her anger.   

Now, there are many foster parents who do a wonderful job raising children out of the kindness of their souls, and indeed many bond with their kids as if they were originally their own blood! 

But folks, I’ve seen this lack of parenting affection time and time again, usually from birth-parents.  Of course kids have to adhere to a certain type of structure molded by us as parents, but they need nurturing and affection, too.

Show me a child who’s in serious trouble at school or with the law, and I’ll bet it’s a child who hasn’t had a chance to lovingly bond with a parent or parents.  I firmly believe bonding with children breeds respect and love from those children.

I hug my children several times on a daily basis, and say as many ”I love you’s” as I can before I start sounding tiresome!

Today, I want to spread this simple message;  parents, don’t underestimate the power of a hug.  Your children need one that only you can give, on a daily basis.     

Even so, preventing toddler biting can be much easier if you know why a toddler bites other people, and the most common reasons are:

1.  They get angry and use it as a means of communicating their anger because they still haven’t learned an alternative method to deal with these types of emotions. 

2.  They imitate other toddlers’ behavior.

3.  To get attention from people around them.

4.  They’re teething.

5.  To gain control of situations such as fighting over a toy with another toddler.

It’s important to understand that until they’re about 24 months old, toddlers can’t understand their biting is actually physically hurting the other person!  Keeping this fact in mind can put preventing toddler biting into perspective; it won’t be easy, but since it involves for the most part, learned behavior, you can certainly do something about it.

Try the tips if your toddler bites others, or if you want to help any toddler correct their biting habit:

1.  When it happens, make it clear right away that their behavior is unacceptable in a firm, but empathetic manner.  Never show anger; the child will most likely revert to trying to get a reaction from you again in the future.

2.  If the bite victim is crying, calmly explain to the biter that they hurt the other child and emphasize they’re crying because of the bite, that you understand the biter’s emotions, but that they need to deal with their emotions without hurting others.

3.   This goes without saying; once you’ve identified a biter in any group, observe them closely while they’re playing, and prevent the biting before it begins.  If you see the biter get into a conflict step in and help that child deal with their emotions too the best of your ability before the biting occurs.

In summary, you can be successful in preventing toddler biting by understanding the causes, by stopping the action before it begins, and by using positive reinforcement once it occurs.  

I’ve naturally created a strong emotional bond with my kids since the day they were born!  I accomplished this by talking to them, singing to them, holding them lovingly in my arms, being playful with them, and most importantly, by sincerely telling them “I love you” all the time. 

With our lifestyles today, spending quality family time has become increasingly difficult.  For many of us, because of our work schedules, it takes much sacrifice to put ourselves in a position to bond with our children.  But I assure you, no matter what situation you’re in, you can eventually dedicate an ideal amount of time to your kids.  

I’ll give you a great example of how I sacrificed my professional life to devote more time to my children; in March of 2008 after 7 years of being employed part-time by Major League Baseball as one of 12 Field Observers across the country, I decided to retire so I could spend more quality time with my family.  Yes, I lost a lot of money, not to mention a prestigious position, and it put us in a financial strain at times, but my family and I have never been happier. 

During this last year, I’ve also cut back drastically on working extra hours in my main career, and I’ve started this blog and two others, all so I could stay home and be with my family.  I literally let go thousands of dollars (somewhere in the 20,000 to 25,000 range)!  Of course there are many luxuries we can’t afford like we used to, and we need to keep a much closer eye on our finances, but we’ve done it!  And I can tell you this; the emotional bond everyone has in this household with each other is absolutely unbreakable!

I believe each and every one of us has the opportunity and a choice of whether or not we want to make sacrifices to be with our families.  If you’re a business owner, maybe you can cut back on hours spent at work by giving another responsible employee extra hours, or you can hire someone else to do some of the work.  If you’re out in the work force, maybe you can turn down overtime sometimes and stress to your employer you enjoy spending time at home with your family.  They’ll soon get the picture and eventually lean on someone else!  

You may find yourself in a position where you’re going to have to bite the bullet and continue working long hours to get ahead for whatever reason.  That’s understandable!  But wouldn’t it make sense to start setting goals and planning how you intend to dedicate more family time in the near future, so you don’t let the same work cycle repeat itself.

No one on this planet can convince me that it’s impossible to make better use of their time so they can spend it with their family.  I’m a firm believer in “every problem has a solution,” and it’s this attitude that’s helped me prevail through life’s hardships. 

I still occasionally work extra hours away from home, but I end almost every night with a bedtime story for my kids, a hug and a kiss, and an “I love you.”  In doing so, I reinforce all the feelings of closeness I’ve shared with them throughout that particular day, even if I only had a chance to spend a few minutes with them. 

You see, I’ve learned one of life’s biggest lessons the hard way.  Working 12-16 hours a day for extended periods?  Been there, done that.  I’ve been guilty of working hard to get ahead in my professional life at the expense of family life. Preoccupied with household chores and other responsibilities to the point where exhaustion prevents you from spending time with your family?  Been there, done that, too!

It all comes down to priorities.  “I know, I know, but I have to make a living for my family,” you say.  This is understandable, especially in today’s economy.  For years now in the US, the cost of living has increased consistently well beyond salary increases, leaving a gaping hole in middle class America.  You’re either doing very well, struggling, or extremely poor these days.  Middle class families with actual money in their savings account are almost bordering on extinction! 

But if you’re not spending quality time with your family, I believe you have to ask yourself the million dollar question;  what am I on this earth for if it’s not to enjoy a fulfilling life for my family and myself?  Fulfillment can mean different things for different people except when we’re talking about our children.  This is where the overwhelming majority of us agree; we all want our children to be healthy and to have fulfilling, productive lives.  It’s very difficult to guide them there if you don’t invest your time in raising them, spending time with them, and creating strong emotional bonds with them.

In part 2 I’ll reveal what has worked for me, how I’ve dealt with struggling to balance my professional and personal life, and how I’ve won the battle within myself to make the right choices for my family’s benefit!

Two Sunday afternoons ago Kyle asked, “Daddy, can I have some M&M’s?”  When I replied ,”No,” he went into a rage, losing control of his body to severe spasms while crying at the top of his lungs!   His eyes got wider as he stared right through me, and that’s when the unthinkable (in my mind) occurred for the first time; he put his once cute hand on my right arm and actually tried to take a chunk of skin off by deeply scratching me!  I reacted the wrong way, probably because it was totally unexpected and because I was startled by his behavior more than anything else.

“Oooouuuchhhh!” I yelped.  I angrily pointed at him and said, “No.  You don’t hurt Daddy or anyone else, you have a timeout.”  Wouldn’t you know, he didn’t resist the timeout like he normally does and he sat there in his little timeout corner for a good two minutes before I informed him his timeout was over.  He behaved rather well for the next few hours and all was fine until 7:00 PM Eastern that same night.

I was snuggling with Kyle while watching TV on this lazy Sunday night, and for a brief moment I could have sworn the TV show’s volume was beginning to fade as the “Jaws” theme (dum-dum-dum-da-tum) started faintly playing in the back of my mind.  The ”Jaws” theme continued getting closer and closer when–Bam!!!  Kyle struck me square in the face with an open hand!  “Why, that little hammerhead,” I thought.  “Did he just do what I think he did?”

I struggled not to overreact and luckily, as upset as I was for a split second and not to mention this strong little boy stung me with a splendid right hook Muhammad Ali would have been proud of, I calmly and sternly instructed Kyle not to hit Daddy or anyone else for that matter.  His reaction was a mischievous smile and another “Whack,” this time on my forehead.  I held firm!  I said, “Kyle, you don’t hit.”  Well, he did stop hitting that night.

It’s two Sundays later and he seems to have corrected his behavior.  I believe I have been successful so far for two simple reasons.

For the scratching, here’s what I do:

I try not to show him any type of unfavorable reaction when he hits and instead correct his behavior by talking to him sternly, in a normal tone.  One of the worst things you can do in a trying situation with any child is to overreact with far too much undue attention because oftentimes children misbehave just to get your attention. 

For the hitting:

I quit physically horse-playing with him the way I used to, at least for now.  I used to put my hands on Kyle’s cheeks and move him from side to side in an overly playful manner while he would try getting at me to return the favor. Oh, yeah, we had loads of laughs, but I think this is what caused the problem in the first place.  He simply could not distinguish when it was appropriate to play, so he would smack me as an invitation to roll around like cubs.    

I guess this must be a “man” thing. By nature, most of us are the “misbehaviour enablers”–that is–we routinely spoil a child and let our kids get away with everything knowing in the back of our minds we have our wives to do all the “grunt work” and be the “bad guys”- actually, “gals.”

In my home a common scenario is as follows:
It’s dinnertime but dinner’s not ready because Mom and Dad worked late or simply started cooking or preparing dinner after the Dr. Phil Show. “Daddy, Kyle hungry,” my son announces in the third person. “I want some M&M’s.” Now the last thing that would ever cross my wife’s mind would be to actually even entertain his whiny request, but, me-remember, I’m a man, I hear different hues in his tiny voice so I reach for the little candy stash in the cupboard and pull out a fresh bag of jumbo-sized M&M’s! Now Mom walks into the kitchen and does her best not to pull her hair out and scream, “Arghhh.”

Now the wheels turn in my mind and I’m scheming. “But Baby,” I say in a whimper, “By the time I give Kyle a warm bath he’ll be hungry all over again.” My wife just shakes her head and I breathe a sigh of relief, because every man knows head shaking is a worthwhile substitute for a smack on your husband’s head!

It’s 1:00 A.M., little Kyle didn’t eat dinner, he’s still awake, and my wife is giving me the “evil eye.” “Sorry,” is all I can muster. Now Kyle begins to cry. “Go get him and see what he wants,” my wife barks. Without hesitation I jump out of bed and find Kyle meeting me halfway in the hallway, knowing exactly what he wants. A cup of chocolate milk! Ahhh, what does my wife know, I tell myself convincingly, Kyle’s fine and he’ll fall asleep within the next few minutes. And he does.

Let’s see everything I’ve managed to accomplish in one night on the way to spoil my child; I fed Kyle junk food instead of a balanced, healthy meal, I caused him, us, and our neighbors to wake up in the middle of the night out of hunger pangs, and I once again violated the parenting code of ethics-I put all the pressure on my wife to discipline and raise our child correctly and prudently while weaseling my way into my toddler’s heart! 

I wonder if I’ll ever learn as I lean back and look at the stars from this wood-rotted, smelly doghouse.  “Well, Goliath, it looks like it’s me and you again tonight, do me a favor “Boy”- quit licking me and turn your face the other way.